"American tourist found dead"- could have happened

Since I have nothing new to add to the dross of the internet and need to achieve some other tasks I have decided that the time has come to open myself to ridicule once again and re-post the story of my trip to Scarborough, England. I am, myself, looking forward to how much I may have aggrandized the events in the retelling. First is the post I made previous to my departure following is the re-telling of the actual event.

(2/24/2007)
"Well I slept all day again. When I say slept I should clarify that I was in bed in varying sates of consciousness without the desire to change that. My back hurt a lot and I don't know why just as I don't know why I was so lethargic. Needless to say this altered my plans to go to Scarborough. I decided though that instead of simply waiting for the next bus as most sane persons would I am going to make the most of the situation and take a night walk all the way to Scarborough. Hopefully I will arrive on the coast as the sun is rising or shortly therafter. I am taking a bottle of water the video camera and an umbrella. I will also be carrying a walking stick in case anyone gets funny ideas about ownership of my stuff or rather to dissuade them from getting such ideas.
Edit I have checked and it looks like I might be doing lunch in Scarborough instead of breakfast. It should take me about 13 hours of walking to get there at 3 miles per hour. Sounds like a good way to get out of a rut of feeling lazy. I'm going to put on my hiking boots for it though. I'm going to try to find ways to get off the interstate though. So it might take a bit longer. Anyway, wish me luck and I'll catch you all on the flip side. (end edit)"

(2/25/2007)
"I'm alive and home. There are several ways to describe a day like the one I've just had. I think stupid might be the most apt. Let me begin at my departure. I had armed myself with and umbrella and nalgene water bottle clipped to my trousers under my trenchcoat., in the pockets of which were a lion bar a pack of my favourite gum in all the world and a MapQuest road map telling me to stay on the A64.I also had the phone number for a youth hostel in the Scarborough area should I become stranded and a potential theatrical opportunity. I set off at around 3:00am. The darkened moist streets were kind to me. The clouds kept the world warm (by my standards) and since it was late at night traffic was light on the A64 which is not a terribly pedestrian freindly route in most places. Perhaps the number of people dumb enough to walk the side of it is low enough to ignore this element of construction. I can't say I blame the planners. Anyone dumb enough to walk the A64 to reach a destination deserves to be inconvenienced a little. The trip was pretty uneventful all told. As I apporoached Malton my resolve began to flag and my body began to protest. by the time I got within 6 miles I was having trouble keeping myself going. I stopped for a sit in a bus shelter and the first bus of the day passed me by without even slowing. There is nothing more insulting to a pedestrian walking a long distance than busses and inaccurate road signs. I was taunted by inaccurate road signage all through my trek. Either British miles are longer than ours or the signs simply cant' decide when to change numbers. Anyway, after I left the bus shelter I had to ascend a hill. I had already passed a sign for Castle Howard and decided that if I couldn't see the landmark I would not deviate from my path to see it closer. At the top of the hill was a sign. This sign read "Kirkham Priory 1/2 mile". One half mile to validate this trip. I could do that. I turned off the track and headed through some picturesque English countryside, "The Howardian Hills" Toward the landmark which promised to be quite nearby. 1/2 mile is nothing. I walked that far to the bus in the old days. About a mile later I found another sign. This sign also said "Kirkham Priory 1/2 mile". I was, I think understandably, annoyed by this. It was especially bothersome because of my previously mentioned feud with the road signs on the main thoroughfare. I bucked it up though and went ahead and walked into a beautiful vale. I could see the priory from quite a distance as I was on one hill and it halfway up the next. I would like to remind everyone that I just said "hill". I was knackered at this point hills were the last thing I wanted to be dealing with. Anyway so I got there, another 3/4 mile by my reckoning, and what did I find? Not an accessible ruin with audio tours and gift shops I found a closed ruin. Closed. I could not pass the front gate. It was like a sick prank. I dragged my sorry self back to the second sign where a sign informed me I could rejoin the A64 farther along than if I just retraced my steps. As I had wasted my time to that point I thought this sounded like a good idea. It turned out that it did bring me closer to Malton and I think I may have skipped a spare hill. This did not stop my limbs from deciding they had been through enough and weren't going to take it anymore. I needed to sit or kneel or something. I ended up kneeling on the footpath with one hand to the pavement while I tried to push myself to make the extra few miles. I summoned heroic anthems and saying to mind and somehow managed to convince myself that I had come to far to let it end here. I stood back up and managed to top another hill. I found a bus shelter at a crossroads. It was existential. I tried waiting for the bus bus once again it just passed me by on it's route as if it knew what I should be doing and refused to ruin it. This was insulting. Almost as insulting as the "seats" in the bus shelter which are the single most uncomfortable of their kind when one is in full health. I was forced to prop myself oddly against the glass with one leg stretched over the seat in order to rest my limbs. After the bus passed I went outside and shook my stick at it and then could not bring myself to try the seats again. I knelt a second time. and thought about my options. One road would take me to Malton if I could summon the strength to walk another 4 miles (I had already come 14 with very little stopping). The left hand option offered me a tea house open for breakfast. The distance to said tea house was undisclosed though so when I could not see it after a brief stroll in that direction I gave up on it. The right hand option offered a Bed and Breakfast. I tried that thinking they might oblige me in just a breakfast. I rang the bell and no one came. A note over the bell said that sometimes they are away so I took advantage of the lawn furniture they had near the entrance. That cast iron chair was the most blissful thing to happen to me since the good bus shelter (The first one).I don't know how long I sat there but after a while one of the proprietors returned from what appeared to be field work. I asked if there might be a breakfast for the weary traveler but no. He did refill my water bottle though and advise me that I might go to Castle Howard (on the right-hand road). He said it would take about 30-45minutes of walk time to get there and I could even see the dome of it from the B&B. It fit all of the qualifications. The nail in the coffin was when he made a demoralizing mathematical error. We were talking about the distance to Malton 1/3 of the distance I had come. When he said "It's about half as far as you've already come" something inside of me decided. It was time to take the bus. I went back to the stop, having allowed an hour to pass in my deciding process, and caught the bus to Malton. In Malton I had to find a cash machine to buy passage to Scarborough and I had an English breakfast at the "Whistlestop Cafe" on the rail platform. It was tasty but I think I was served instant (powdered) tea. I was unimpressed. I ended up on the 11:35 bus (which actually arrived at the station at 11:57) to Scarborough.

Scarborough is a lovely place. I stopped in at an incredible bookshop which smelled of tobacco and books and was peopled by the eccentric owner who had an innate knowledge of where his books were. The highlight was, of course, Scarborough Castle. I'm about to describe this edifice. Pay attention, it comes up later. Scarborough Castle, like many of the major historical buildings I've visited in my time here has been inhabited for thousands of years. Romans, Anglo Normans, Vikings, and Medieval people used this natural prominatory to protect themselves. It is situated on a very high cliff overlooking the ocean. There is only one way in and the steep drops all around it make it fairly obvious why this would be the natural place for a fortress. The walls are also quite high and sheer all around. It is an impressive piece of work. It is also quite large. I don't know how much space is contained within these imposing walls but it's a fair amount. Much of the site is a grassy field which would be ideal for picnics in the warm months with sites of interest scattered near to the edge of the cliff. I finished with my audio tour and made my way to the gate to leave.

It was at this moment I realized the gates were closed. There was a person outside but not someone who looked capable of letting me out. I inspected the grounds. Keep in mind I am still thoroughly tired and am using the staff I took with me to hobble my way around making a daring castle escape somewhat less likely. The only likely place I found was a bit of the wall marked clearly with a sign saying danger, do not climb on the wall. In hopes of finding a way out I ascended with some difficulty. I found that it would be a risky maneuver of which I likely would not have been capable when in good condition let alone in my current state. So I descended again, defeated, and returned to the gate. I met there a nice couple who called the police for me and got them up to the castle. They left before the police arrived but I thank them, wherever they are, for their help. The police arrived after a while and were equally clueless as to dealing with the issue. They tried to find a key holder to no avail and so they called the fire brigade. The fire brigade were actually fighting a fire at the time so we had to wait. The officers were really nice. When the fire brigade arrived we showed them the weakness in the defenses which we had found and one of the said something like "yeah, that's how we usually do it". I was amused. In the end a ladder brought an end to the saga. I can now say in all honesty that I have scaled a castle wall on a ladder and gone between the buttresses. I don;t know why it didn't occur to me to take pictures or video of this event but it didn't. Wah-wah.

After my daring escape I made my way down to the seaside. There were arcades and pubs a plenty but I was looking for something particular. Scarborough Fish and Chips made from fish caught in the bay at which I was looking. I found them. This little chippy called Wild Willey's or something like that sold me the perfect fish and chips. I ate them on a bench overlooking the marina and the ships that brought in fish just like what I had in my hand. It was beautiful. I then made my way back to the train station to pick up my bus to York and end my day. It was not to be so though. After being harassed by children on the way up the hill (it's a good job murder is illegal, grr) I caught the 8:22 bus to York. I subsequently fell asleep on that bus. I woke up near Birmingham headed terminally for Leeds. This was less than good. My mind reeled. what could I do there certainly wouldn't be another bus to York tonight. Do I find a Youth Hostel in Leeds? I got off the bus in the middle of the city and after making some inquiries with a police officer decided that the rail was my best option. I ended my long day's journey into night on the 11:45 train from Leeds to York. I arrived in York about 20 minutes later. Just too long to catch a bus. I was far to weary and worn to walk home so I caught a cab. All in all it was a very expensive nap I took on that bus but it added to the adventure and I've seen a bit of Leeds now. I came home and lounged in House D watching "The Simpsons". It actually begins to be amusing at points when you a tired out of your mind.

I'm going to sleep now. Good night."

That is the story as I told it when it happened. Thank you.